(Any relation to actual Tory candidates in recent by-elections at which they suffered a crushing third place defeat is, of course, entirely coincidental.)
Maria sat forlorn and beat
And contemplated her defeat
Not only had the Lib Dems triumphed
But UKIP had stood there, defiant.
From second back in 2010
She’d fallen back to third, since when
She’d um-ed and ah-ed and wondered what
Had caused the Tory Party’s loss.
It wasn’t her! She knew for sure
For she had been a Tory pure
Of upper lip stiff, steely eye
And resolution undenied.
She’d done her bit, she’d met with folk
And smiled for journos, cracked a joke
Been on the stump for weeks non-stop
To garner votes to win the comp.
She’d missed some meetings, one or two -
Which caused no little ballyhoo.
The reason for this, people knew:
She had so very much to do.
So if it hadn’t been Maria
That made votes Tory disappear.
And if it wasn’t the campaign
That had caused so much stress and strain
Another thing had failed, she brooded –
But what could leave their vote denuded
This anti-European concluded
It must be gay marriage which blew it.
Maria clapped hands with delight
"We need to lurch much further right!
Those UKIP rags would suit us well
We’ll ring the immigration bell!
"We’ll generate a foreign threat
Of swarthy Europeans bent
On overrunning England fair -
And leaving no one over there.
"And about that Tory cause of yore
The European juggernaut
Which wants to take our sausages
And make them into offal sticks!
"The Europe which will leave us hungry
By milking us of all our money.
Those Continentals want us low
So they can rescue their Euro.
"The 0.5% GDP
Which we send them each year will be
Used for means we cannot guess
(But probably involve the French!).
"Oh how we erred in Eastleigh past!
We hadn’t got a decent chance
When we opined so moderately
We should have gone more OTT!"
Maria smiled and thought how much
She’d win the votes when she stood up.
As any Machiavellian knows,
A foreigner’s worth his weight in votes.